Shitty* Situations

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It's Really the End...

Well...it's confirmed. FL is to wed his girlfriend later on this year.

*This is where one of those sappy 'we're over/goodbye' songs starts playing.*

Saturday a friend of mine was in town from Cali for her baby shower. So, I was hanging out with all the girls throughout the day. After, a couple of us were heading over E's house to have some wine and hang out.

Well, I had to go pick up one of our friends so on my way, I called R to check in. He'd said he was probably going to be hanging out with L that day (L is FL's bro, and R's BFF---I've gone over it many a times, but just for your quick reference there it is again..hehe).

So, I call him, he's over L's drinking beers, etc. I asked who all was there. "Ohhh, me, L, roomy, and FL."

"Ah, that's cool," I say.

"Yeh...HEY...FL, am I allowed to tell her?" R yells.

*In my head* What? Tell me what? Of course, I am allowed to know WHATEVER it is he's asking if it's okay for me to know....oh my gosh.

"Okay...so FL got the ring today for his girlfriend." R says.

"Oh...really? ..... Well...that's cool. Did you see it? Is it nice?"

"No, I didn't see it, but she comes home Thursday...I told FL she's gonna have cold feet and not get on the plane."

(Quick pause to gather my wit...)

"Yeah, right...that bitch wants to get outta that country." (She and FL met while he was doing his whole Peace Corp. thing over in Guatemala.)

HA! Sometimes I am just so funny.

I'll continue this later.

What is WRONG?!

I haven't been in as bad of a 'crabass' mood as I was the beginning of last week. But, yesterday evening some of those feelings were returning.
First, R called me during the day while I was at work. He asked if I wanted to do something later. I told him okay.
So, he came over after work and we went to eat. We went to a local hot dog place (it's sooo good) and I ordered the large fries with gravy with my hot dog. He got the large fries, too. When the girl brought 'em over to us, he's like, "Wow, that's a lot of fries. We never get the large."
I said, "Yuh huh."
"No...never."
"Yeah."
"Well, you never have with me."
See, that kind of thing annoys me. He does it all the time. I'll say something like, "Wow, I really LOVE cabbage and noodles." Or, "Wow, I LOOOOVE that movie!" etc.
And he will say, "No, you don't!"
"Ummm, yes...I do, actually."
"I've never once heard you mention anything about that!"
"So what????? I think I know what I like, and just because cabbage and noodles have never come up in our conversations you assume I don't like it?"
Should I just write out a list of every single thing I love so that you can refer to it and not be surprised when I throw something in there? I wouldn't want to catch ya off guard or anything!

Afterwards, he wanted to go to the movies or rent a movie, but I told him I couldn't because 90210 was coming on at 8:00.
So, after dinner we hung out on the couch watching tv and about an hour later, I turned on 90210. Earlier, he'd asked me what time it came on, so I was thinking that maybe he was planning to leave when it came on since he doesn't watch it.
Nope. He sat there and watched the whole thing. I was super tired, so when it was over I told him I was going to get ready to go to bed. "So, you're kicking me out?" he said. "Mmmm....yeah." I laughed. I just did NOT feel like being all cuddly on the couch and holding hands like he was. Ugh. "Okay, well, go get your pajamas on first," he said.
So, I started to get ready for bed while he got ready to leave.

I laid in bed reading and watching tv when he must've called to let me know he was home. I didn't hear it. I did hear the beep from the phone alerting me to a text message. It said, "Goodnight hun, I'm home."
I'd seen that he called first, but I just texted him back, "Okay, goodnight," KNOWING what was going to happen next. And sure enough, it did.
BEEP. Text.
"Can you talk for a sec? Wanna tell you something."

Seriously? Of course the goodnight text wasn't enough. He casually says that thinking that I don't have a clue what he's doing. What he's doing is wanting to talk on the phone for just a minute so he can hear my surroundings and make sure that I am in fact home and not out with friends. Can you believe it? I KNOW that game. And I don't like it.

Fine. So, I call him. And of course he tells me some stupid story, and then wonders why I'm acting weird. Because I don't want to be on the phone and because I know your tricks!!!

Okay, I'm done for now.

Less Talk, More Dance

I love being a girl, really. I love clothes and fashion. But, as far as mentality -- I'm much more like a dude. ESPECIALLY...in relationships. I wasn't always this way. I used to be that girl that pined away and over analyzed every glance from whatever guy I was obsessing over. But, ever since FL (first love), I've had major issues. I think it's because I had it goooooood with FL. He went to college in a different state. We would still talk all the time, and cared the most for each other, BUT we dated other people here and there. It was unrealistic not to. So, I dated other guys but whenever FL came home, I spent every second with him. It might sound messed up, but he was my love and my soul mate, but these other guys kept me busy and my thirst quenched.

When I came home from college, I started dating the ex. Quickly, he was moved into my apartment, and next thing you know we bought a house. We had a good relationship unless I felt suffocated. And for awhile, I did. Because when I'd want to go out with friends, he would play sick and try to guilt me into not going. I caved for awhile, but then started to not care. I am super independent, live for doing what I want, and don't like the feeling of people holding me back, etc.

And now, with R, I am dealing with some of this shit again. He is very inquisitive, likes to know everything I do. He says he asks out of conversation, but I always feel like he's interrogating me or trying to check up on me. He was doing sooo well for awhile, not being so 'in my face' or whatever. Now, especially with him having a few days off this week, he's bored and 'in my face'. Tuesday night I went over my friend's to watch 'Juno' and hang out. I could tell he wanted to be invited, but I didn't think her husband was going to be home, and it was just gonna be 2 gals hanging out. I was right. Not a biggie there.

Then, Wednesday night we were all going out because one of my close friends left yesterday morning to move to California. Earlier that day, he wanted to do lunch. He ended up sleeping in but got up and raced here so we could still go. And then he kept asking me what was wrong and why I was acting wierd. I HATE THAT!!!! He's overly paranoid, even when I'm just quiet he thinks something is wrong!!! I told him that it was the middle of my workday and I was just in work mode...which was true! Nothing was wrong, until he kept fucking asking me what was wrong!!! Ugh! But, I calmed down and that night we all had a good time.

Then, we get to yesterday. "Do you want to hang out and chill later on?" he asks. "I don't know, I might do some stuff at home after work like pack a little more, maybe give myself a manicure, nap, etc." He sounded like he was about to bitch and whine, so I said, "But, I don't know, we'll see I guess." Then, he calls me right when I'm done with work. I think it was just to tell me something stupid. I went home and took a nap. When I finally woke up, I had a few texts and missed calls. A couple texts were from friends, with one asking "u doing anything tonight?" and then I saw I had a missed call from E. So, I call her, the both of them were stopping at a bar near my house to visit a friend that is in town this weekend. "Yeah, I might as well come by for a bit since I'm right down the road," I told them.

One of my missed calls were from R. So, I called him back. He was at his parents getting ready to eat and he asked if I wanted to switch my phone that night (I had to get another phone, there's something wrong with my new one, so he got another one to replace it...yada yada yada). I took it as, "he is looking for any excuse to come over, I'm going to see him tomorrow, can't it wait?" So, I said, "Can't we just do it tomorrow?" "Yeah, I guess so, I just thought maybe you'd want to get it done and we have to return the defected one asap..."
"Nah, we'll just do it tomorrow..." I said.
"Well, do you want me to come over for awhile anyways?"
"Ummm...well...do you maybe want to just meet me at the bar and have a beer?"
"Why? Who's going? I thought you didn't want to do anything tonight...I don't know..." (instantly in a crappier mood.)
"Yeah, but it's right down the road."
"I don't know, I'll just call you in a little bit, I'm gonna eat."

Soooo, I start getting ready to go. I was literally just about to walk out the door when my phone rings. It's him. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Just about to leave my house."
"Where ya goin'?" sounding surprised.
"I told you! I'm going to the bar."
"But, I told you I'm coming over!"
"No you didn't!!! You said you didn't know what you were gonna do."
"I text you that I'm coming over."
"Oh, well I didn't get it or hear my phone."
"So, do you not want me to come over?"
"Well, you wanna just meet me there?"
"I have ice cream in the car I need to put in your freezer."
"Oh...okay..."
"I mean, I can just go home if you don't want me to come."
At this point, I get confused, thinking he wants to come over and just hang out and not go to the bar.
"Umm, well...what were you gonna do after you left your parents?"
"I guess just go home."
"Well, wait...you wanna come here, put ice cream in the freezer, and then go to the bar?"
"Yeah, just wait for me."
"Ohhh...okay."

But, I was still peeved because I'd wanted to drive by myself. He knew that if he came over and put ice cream in my freezer, then we'd ride together to the bar and I'd have to leave when he wanted to.
So, he gets there and is completely quiet. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing."
"Okay, then can you quit being weird?"
"I'm not being wierd, you are. And you have been."
"No I have not! If I have, it's because you start it! See what I mean? Here we go..."
"You didn't even want me to come over..."
"AGHHH!!! I didn't know what I felt like doing...I knew I'd probably want to nap..."
"Well, I mean, I could've still come over..."

Yes, this is what I deal with regularly. I cringe at the thought of what's going to happen when I move into my own apartment and have to hear him say that. He's probably going to want to come over almost every night! That is just not me, and no matter how many times I tell him he doesn't understand and he feels insecure. THEN, tries to make me feel bad by saying shit like, "I just wanna hang out with you...geez...is that so bad?"

Not only all of that happened yesterday, but when he called me earlier that day I had to hear about how he gets really upset when I don't tell him stuff. Like the fact that I took my friend to get her car dropped off at the auto body shop the other day after work. And other things, too, I won't say anything about until 4 days later. Or, we'll be out with friends and I'll tell everybody at the same time. He would have liked to have known first, blah blah blah. "That's part of being in a relationship," he says. Which I understand, but I told him that he makes me feel like I have to report to him, and that's definitely not me.

Ugh. I am getting all worked up, so I'm gonna stop now. You get the gist anyways. Why must I be so seemingly emotionless? I blame my parents getting divorced when I was 5 and being the only child. lol. Thanks for listening. *sigh*
I need a cocktail.

Alternate Reality

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope that it started off wonderfully. My last few days have been pretty eventful in many ways.

*****I just realized that my BFF, L, and R's BFF (& FL's bro) is L too. So my BFF is going to be changed to LV...k?*****

So the BFF, LV, out in Vegas, always tells me that the only guy she's ever heard me talk about like it's "the real thing" is FL. I told her he was home and she's been insisting that I suck it up, "quit being stubborn" and just call him.

While her words kept resonating in my head, I figured that she was probably right. Really, what was the worst that could happen, and I'd probably feel regret if I didn't. (Even though I felt like if he wanted to get a hold of me, there are quite a few and easy ways to do it...) So, as I sat here at my desk on Friday thinking and thinking some more, I decided that right then was the best time to do it.

So I did. He answered (and pretty quickly if I might add...maybe right after the first ring?).

"Hey, so you're back from SC?" he asked. (Must've heard it from his brother, L.)
"Yeah," I say.

We chat for a few about our holidays, etc. and then he asks me what I'm doing that night.
I tell him that his brother was going to pre-game over R's and that I'm supposed to go over too, but around 7.
Then, L was going to grab dinner with some chick but if FL wanted to come hang out with us that'd be cool, and besides -- his bro L was gonna be meeting back up with us later.
(Kind of weird that I invited him to hang out with me and the BF, but...we're all adults, and they're friends too because of L! I don't have anything to hide!)

Well, FL says that sounds like a good plan and I tell him he should just ride over to R's with L and then I'll see him later.
But, he says "Well, are you going to be around in like an hour? I'm going to call you back."
Okay.
After I hung up the phone, I started to panic. What was the reason for him calling me in an hour, he should just say, "Okay, I'll see you there later." ??? Was he going to try to hang out just him & I first before going over R's and riding there with me? That might not work good. Am I going to be in trouble for inviting him out with us? -- all these crazy thoughts keep running through my head.

But then, a good friend of mine called (good timing!) and I explained it all to her. She wanted to meet up right after work and hang for a little while anyways, so she met me at my house. I decided I needed to go have a drink early to calm my nerves, etc.
FL didn't call me back. "Why hasn't he called back? Do you think he's been forbidden to talk to me? Or what if he just goes, and he'll be there when I get there???"
R calls, "Where are you?"
"I just stopped to grab a quick bite, I'll be there soon," I say.

"I don't think he's there," I tell my friend.
Then, we take 2 jager bombs and leave.
Later on, L tells me that FL told him to tell me sorry and he went out with another group of friends.
"Oh well, at least now I know what happened," I thought. But, I still wonder why he didn't call me back to tell me. But whatever.
THEN, I thought maybe he'd call me Saturday. Nope. I STILL have not heard from him, and probably won't. Because TODAY his girlfriend comes into town and then they both leave on Sunday. So, I guess that is that. Except that R is taking off work on Friday and wants him, L, and FL to go bowling and probably start drinking beer early. So, in that case, FL may end up coming out with us Friday night or something. His gf would be too, but would she go bowling? Whatever. So...we'll just wait and see. I did what LV told me, so now I know. At least I called!

BUT, I have another problem. New Years Even a whole bunch of us were over E's. She decided to have a party. We were downstairs in the basement, some people were playing beer pong, we were all pretty hammered. I said something sarcastic to L and he goes, "When's R gonna propose to you?"
I stop dead in my tracks, mouth gaping wide open. "Why would you say something like that, L?"

(I thought everyone knew that I am not in any hurry what-so-ever to get married. I know people say that if it's the RIGHT person, you're ready. But, I don't know or believe any of that. I am just simply not ready. And won't be for awhile, I know it. It's really not a big deal to me, in fact, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I don't know that I can be okay with that level of commitment to be honest. It would suffocate me.)

Well, after L says this, R overhears a little and says, "What did you just say?" --- things like that. He made a look to L like, "Shut the fuck up!"

Now, I don't know. It could have been misconstrued BUT my birthday and Valentine's Day are comin' up quick. And I am scared. How do I throw into conversation a reminder incase he's missed it that I am not ready for marriage? I don't want to hurt any feelings or seem mean. And it doesn't mean that I wouldn't want to SOMEDAY, but I'm in no position or frame of mind to think about it now. WHAT do I do?!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????

When will the madness end?

Thankfully, after tonight I will have TWO days to pretty much just relax after work.



Ever since Thursday night I have been constantly on the go! Friends were in town for Labor Day weekend, and R's bday is today too, so he wanted to live it up all weekend.



I am done with work in a half hour, then it's home to get cleaned up real quick, then over to R's parents to let their dogs out since they're out of town, then to the mall (I still need to get a bachelorette party outfit, and shoes to wear in the wedding!) and THEN, meeting R and a group of our friends for dinner at Bahama Breeze, THEN going out for drinks (hopefully I don't end up out of control, but really, you never know...I always say this.)



So, tomorrow night and Thursday night I'll be doing pretty much nothing, then the weekend will be here again and I'm sure it'll be crazy. I need to start packing though because TUESDAY morning I leave for Vegas! I'll be staying over R's Monday night since he's taking me to the airport Tuesday. I mean, agh! When do I have all the time to get everything done?!



But, I can't let my anxiety get the best of me like it did during certain moments over the weekend. R and I got into a fight yesterday because I was being a stubborn bitch...yes, I know I was, and it's not really something I admit unless it's pretty true. I felt bad since we're celebrating his bday, so we had someprettydamngood make-up sex.

I got him this for his bday, too:

It smells wondrous!!!

Besides, the shoes I wanted to get him were nowhere to be found when it came time to purchase them! And he's been really wanting a new cologne, so...

I think I did good.

Decision making is BS

Today has been a hell of a day. And it's only 2:00. Yesterday, late afternoon, I decided that I want to go to the O.A.R. concert tonight. I was listening to their live cd, it was a nice day, and it made me happy and really want to drink some beers.
So, my friend 'B' and I went over our friend 'Nutty's' house. Nutty had gotten a case of the new Miller Chill beer (sooo delicious, by the way!). Perfect. Plus, he had the O.A.R. cd's too, so we could sit outside and listen to them, which to me, is the epitome of summer.
Nutty says, "You have to come to the concert tomorrow, it's gonna be the best of the summer!" I'm like, "I know, I know...I have to figure it out."
The boyfriend, R, says he can get out of work early to go! Awesome. But...R won't get done til 7:30. Concert starts at 7:00.
So, I convince B to go, too. We'll go in together, meet up with Nutty and company, then R can come meet us when he gets done. That way, we can pre-game it up a little bit!
Nooo...turns out B has to babysit.
Okay...so -- I don't wanna wait on R to get outta work and go late. And I don't really wanna go with Nutty, because it's kinda like a couple's thing, and I don't even know the other people going.
So then...I get a message from my friend J, who is moving to VA Beach this weekend. Well, tomorrow I'm leaving to go see my mom for the weekend, and she was planning on getting everyone together for dinner and drinks. So, that's a negative. But, tonight, she's going to the baseball game and then out for drinks.
Okay...so -- do I want to try to meet up with her, then? Yes. Since it's my only chance to see her.
Then, what luck -- friend E calls & has 4 tickets to the baseball game! Okay! We'll go, and we'll hang out with J, too! Awesomeness.
Now I am going to have to deal with R's whining, though. "Well, can't you guys wait for me?" The game starts at 7:05. He won't be home until like 7:45.
He texts, "Am I going too?" and I said, "I don't know, why are you asking me? If you want to, you can meet us."
R: "Well, do I get one of the tickets?"
me: "How should I know? Text E, she offered them first come, first serve, lol"
R: "Well will you call her & tell her. You didn't include me? Are you serious?"

Excuse me, are YOU serious? WTF????? You will still be at work. You know I am mainly going so I can hang out with J before she moves. To be honest, I'm not really worried about whether you come or not. Yup, actually, I kind of wish you weren't. Why do you have to be up my ass! We're going to be in a car together tomorrow for 8 hours.
*These are all things I want to yell out!*

AGHHHH! He just called me, and I didn't answer. Now he's texting, "Busy?"
Yes. I'm busy. Busy blogging about you!

Please Apply First

*This post is going to come across like I am a terrible, heartless person....but I really need to vent. I'm not always like this!*

You know, a friend and I have been joking for awhile that we need to have guys fill out an application before we date them. I wish that really happened...though, I guess if you do the online dating thing that's pretty much it right there. But, for us that don't have online profiles at pleaseloveme&spendmoneyonme.com it's pretty difficult. I also wish that I could print out a paper with 'rules' or a disclaimer of some sort.

Anyways, I've been dating R for a couple months. I like him, we get along and have the same friends...but, lately he's getting more & more clingy. And I hate clingy. I think he gets "jealous" or something when I am hanging out with other friends and he's not around. It's weird. One night I was going out to meet a friend and I called him when I was on my way for a short conversation. I told him I was meeting up with my friend and he got like, "Oh, you are?" The LAST thing I want is to be dating someone that has issues like my ex did. DO NOT EVER make me feel guilty, or that I need to have a "reason" to justify my going out. Whatever...I brushed it off. I've had to talk to him a few times about how I am not ready to be anyone's girlfriend again, that I do like hanging out -- and I'm not seeing anyone else, but I just enjoy being ME. That's one of the reasons why the ex and I broke up back in November.

Last night, I decided to have just a couple friends over to hang out and have some drinks out on the deck since it was super nice out. He knew this was going to be happening. They were MY plans that I made for me. He was working until 9 anyways -- at least 40 minutes away from where I live. Well, he called me on his way out of work -- says he was stopping at his parents, did I feel like having another person over? I told him I didn't think we'd be hanging out very late, so it was kind of pointless. (And, his parents house is about 15-20 away from me, so it's a far trip for him to make it all the way there, then all the way back to his apartment...just not a practical idea, any of it.) So, he says, "Oh okay, well call me in a little while."

About 5 minutes later he calls. Just to tell me something stupid about one of our friends that called him. (Umm...it's not like I'm sitting around doing nothing, I'm hosting 2 friends.)

THEN, I get a text saying, "I am just gonna come over, I wanna hang out."

I texted him back and said, "I don't really think I feel like it." (or something like that)

OF COURSE, as I had predicted, my phone rings. I answer it.

R: "Well, why don't you wanna hang out?"
me: "I don't know, I just don't feel like having anyone else over, and..." (who knows what I even babbled about)

R:"Well, it's just me though" (EARTH TO R! Don't you get it?! I just don't wanna hang out tonight!)

me:"Yeah, I know..but..." (and I babble more)

R:"Okay.....AWWWWW, but I WANNA COME OVER!" (Who does this?!?! waaaaaaaaah)

me:(losing patience) "We've been together the past 4 days!"

R:"Yeah.........well, okay...call me later then."

(Obviously I just really don't like feeling smothered. I'm always trying to tell him not to revolve his plans around me the way he does. "Be your own person!!!")

Then, after awhile he calls me asking if our friend A was still over. I know he was probably upset because I had the house to myself all night & he wasn't over. A was like, "You know if he comes over here, he'll end up crashing here" etc. and he's already stayed over a couple times, I just wasn't in the mood for a sleepover or anything. I just wanted to hang out with friends.

Then, the rest of the night I get texts from him asking him to call me when I get a chance because he's upset about something at work and really wants to talk.

After A left, I passed right out.

Twice today he mentions how he wishes I would've called him back and how he hardly got any sleep, and how he's freaking out, etc.

me: "Okay, okay, well what's wrong? What's this problem?"
R:"I don't know, I just really don't like working until 9:00"

(Are you freaking kidding me? THIS is what he's been soooooo distraught about?)

I told him he should pretty much just suck it up...it's his JOB! And he just got promoted --- he doesn't work until 9pm EVERY night -- and he doesn't work weekends. It's not like he's really missin' anything.
I mean, he's NUTS about it. And I THINK it's because he thinks he's "missing out" on whatever I am doing. And that behavior there is so much like the ex was. So, I even said to him, "I think you're just scared of missing out on stuff." (I'm kind of blunt that way.)

Yeah, I could tell that pissed him off because he tried to be like, "Well, I'm gonna let you go." So, then I think, "Shit. I'm such a bitch," and I say, "Well...I mean, there's no immediate solution, why don't you just talk to your boss when she gets back from vacay."

R:"Can we meet for lunch please? I don't know what to do. I slept for 3 hours, driving myself nuts all night. I don't work until 2."

So, okay, I give in. He comes over. Things seem pretty fine to me! Whatever with this "boo-hoo 9:00 bullshit."
When I get back to work I get a text from his saying, "Just being around you makes me feel better." Aww, how cute, right? That's all he needed? Was to drive all the way to my house for a half hour of hanging out with my bitchy self? Okay then!

I could go on & on, since it's all just pouring out...but I won't torture you anymore. (Sorry.)

Why do I always have to be more like the guy in all my relationships!!?!????!!!?!?!?!