The Decision Was Made

And so I left the party. Everything was clear in my head. I would call R when I was about home, talk to him for a few minutes and tell him I got home and was going to bed. When we got off the phone, I rushed around grabbing my essentials to take along. I text D and asked him what his address was. When I got in the car, I began to get myself situated. Was going to plug the address into R's GPS when I realized that I didn't know how to delete it later with out deleting all of the history. Not a good plan. So, instead I plugged it into my Google Maps on my BlackBerry. It doesn't tell you when to turn but it gives you step by step driving directions, so I was pretty good to go.

On my drive, one of my best girl friends, M (the one I had the plan to hang out with on Saturday at her new house), called. She's 1 out of 2 or 3 of my friends that I'd actually tell what I was doing. She didn't even know if D had decided to come up or not. She asked if I had company. I said, "No," with an add of mischief. She of course noticed my tone and asked what I was doing. I told her I was actually on my way down to see D, and that I'd call her tomorrow (both of us were laughing).

When I was about 20 minutes away, D text me and made sure I was still on my way and everything was going good. I called when I was close, turned out I'd went on a road with a name very similar to his, but wasn't the road at which he lived. Finally, when I was on his road, he could see my headlights and told me where to turn into his driveway. He was waiting out on the porch. I knew I was nervous, but luckily I wasn't shaking like I'd thought I'd be. I ran up the stairs and he escorted me instantly upstairs. His roommate had a few people over, and I was reluctant for them to see me. I mean, "Who is that girl showing up at all hours of the night?"

We went upstairs and had wine and talked. Talked and laughed. I was happy.

I couldn't believe I was finally there. We were in each other's presence! After awhile, we got tired and were laying together being cuddly. Which was nice. Then, his light grazing of my skin got the best of me and I couldn't handle myself or refrain.

When I woke up in the morning, he still wanted to sleep. That's something that's not changed, he's always wanted to stay in bed longer than me. We played little games with each other for an hour or so...just poking each other in our faces, kind of cute stuff. I would have loved to have stayed there until later in the afternoon, but I felt weird about it. I needed to get back into my turf...my area, where I wouldn't have to lie. My phone was on silent, and I dreaded even looking at it and refused to until I left. I didn't want to ruin this...whatever this was...by seeing my phone and then worrying.

I can't tell if he'd really wanted me to stay or not. But, I told him he needed to get up so we could hang out a tiny bit and I could see his dog before I had to go. He asked me what I was doing that day, which made it seem like maybe he wasn't expecting me to leave so soon. I told him I had plans to hang out with my mom. Then, I asked him what he was going to do. He said mow the grass, etc. "Well," I thought, "he's got stuff he has to get done anyways..."

We went downstairs where I met his dog and his roommate. I played with his golden retriever for a little while, and then decided it was time to go. When I got in the car and drove off, I still wouldn't look at my phone. Once I was on the highway, I looked. Three texts and a missed call. This wouldn't be too hard to explain; I have a habit of waking up pretty early, sitting up for about an hour and then falling back asleep for a few hours. I called R back and told him I was on my way over my mom's. He said he'd call me later after golf (him being preoccupied with golf was another plus). I went home and died on my couch...I really was going to go to my mom's, but I got really tired again all of a sudden.

I'd called M and talked briefly about my excursion. I figured we'd talk more when I went over her house later. She said we might go to this arts festival, which would have been awesome any other time except now. I totally didn't feel like having to get fixed up to go out somewhere. Luckily, later she texted me and said she didn't have any motivation to go out, did I? I said nope, and felt much better. Finally, I got over to her place at about 8:00 where she had made pasta for us and I brought over wine. We had a really fun girl night chatting, drinking, and dancing. I told her some stuff about D...and I'd felt really normal about all of it.

Then, a few days later, I feel like I'm in some sort of slump. It's not because of what I did. I know it was very wrong, and if it had been anyone else I'd feel terrible or I wouldn't have even gone there. But D is special.

But now, when I sign into chat online...he says nothing. For the last few months, anytime I'd be online and he'd come on, he would instantly say "hi" and we'd chat for a few minutes. Now I get nothing? I don't know if it's because he feels weird and doesn't want to add fuel to the fire? Or, if it's because he really does still have feelings for me, but feels like he shouldn't do anything for various reasons? Or, if it's because he got all he needed?

I don't know how to describe my emotions; or what emotions I want him to have...

Down in the Dumps

Ya know, I feel like the only times I end up writing here are the times when I'm feeling down and out, confused, distraught, and too caught up in my own head.


Usually the stuff that's been stuck in my head and causing me to feel this way, I write here because it's my only outlet that can actually be some sort of an outlet. I can only tell maybe 2 or 3 friends (that may or may not include my mom), if I can even tell them, because it's usually very secret stuff.


I wrote around 2 months ago about a great guy, D. Well, an opportunity (the one and only) came up for me to finally go and see him. I knew this opportunity was there when I wrote about this last time, too. But at the beginning of last week, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. R was going out of town from Thursday until Sunday morning. R doesn't ever go away, or...let's rephrase that; R doesn't ever go away WITH OUT me. And this would have been no different if it wasn't a bachelor party extravaganza. I was looking forward to it as soon as the groom-to-be came up with the idea. I mean, "Wow, I can do whatever I want for a couple days!!!!! Yahhh Hooo!!!"



So I stay over R's Wednesday night, get up and take him to the airport at about 4:30 AM. Went back to his place to sleep for a few more hours, then got up for work. I'd already made plans to head to the local bar that some of my friends are bound to go on Thursday nights. AND, my guy buddies from HS that I hang with were having a party on Friday! Good...good. Saturday I figured I'd kind of chill, probably go over one of my best girl friend's new house and hang since I had to pick R up around 9:00 on Sunday. Awesome.



Well, when I found out the guys were having a party, I sent a message to D saying he should come up (he's friends with them, too). He said he couldn't, if he'd known a little earlier he would have but he's got meetings all day and evening, is doing a lot of driving, and is having a small get-to-gether at his house that night. But, that I should come down there.

Yes, yes, I had thought of that. But, I'd decided against it. I'd feel really weird driving almost an hour to go see him...even though I knew it was kinda like 'now or never'. Buttttttt, I also wanted to go to the guys' party. R is cool with them, too, so I wouldn't have to make anything up about going, but I was also excited to get to hang with them like old times with out R clinging to my side.



Later, I talked to D online and told him I was disappointed he wasn't coming. Then, somehow, I convinced him to try to come up. He said he could ditch the get-together, and if he could get done with work at a decent time he'd make the drive. Of course, once he knew that he'd be able to stay over my place, that's when his demeanor about making it up here changed with the words, "Well shit, that changes everything."



Yes, it did. Why did I not even see it clearly?

Maybe I let emotions get in the way...like usual.



D didn't let me know what his decision was on Friday, and I'd made mine to go to the party. At 12:30 am I text him. Ughhhh!!! I know, I know!



After a series of texts and him trying to get me to come down the next night, I told him "we'll see". He said I could leave in plenty of time to get R at the airport after I told him that the plan was supposed to be to hang out tonight (Friday) because of having to make it to the airport. It was the first time either of us had mentioned R. I assume he knew through either mutual friends or...more likely my Facebook page. Anyways...



the decision was made that I'd drive down to see him...then and there.

Classic Me

How was everyone's holiday weekend? Mine was pretty good...
Friday, one of my friends brought over her dog for me to watch for her while she's on vacay at the beach for a week. So, I stayed home with her to get her acquainted with my apartment, and to rest up for the festivities on Saturday.

So, I woke up in the morning, got ready and headed over to my mom's. She lives right in the center of town where it's easy to get to the parade and all the other hoopla. My friend E and I every year start pre-gaming prior to the parade. Her apartment used to be very close, too, but she moved, so we borrowed mom's downstairs that's complete with a bar. I had cheese and crackers set out, a case of beer, and E brought the traditional morning margaritas.

After we had made our drinks, had a few bites, etc., we all headed down to the parade. There was about 6 or 7 of us. We did our usual walking down the streets and saying hi to everyone we know and stopping for a chat. We found all our other friends, too. Now, I started to get my buzz pretty early...and E had made the morning margaritas quite tangy and strong. So...when we went down the street to her cousin's house, I said hi to her aunt. She went in for a hug and when we both pulled away, somehow...I just dropped my entire drink all over her.

OMG.

I felt soo soo bad. I mean, it doesn't help knowing that the WHOLE family is going to know, since I'm E's brother's ex girlfriend. Yay.
I felt like such an a-hole. I was like, "I gotta go, I gotta get outta here!" It was mortifying, and E couldn't believe what I'd done! Thank god that R wasn't around either, because he would've made the situation go from bad to worse by making me feel like even more of an idiot. I went down the street a little further to get away, and when R and our other friend came back, they both immediately started cracking jokes at me.

I mean, the Aunt was understanding, "Accidents happen", and such...but...it wouldn't have been so bad had I been a bit more sober.
Whatever, I guess. But, yeah, it's a pretty classic move on my part.