Less Talk, More Dance

I love being a girl, really. I love clothes and fashion. But, as far as mentality -- I'm much more like a dude. ESPECIALLY...in relationships. I wasn't always this way. I used to be that girl that pined away and over analyzed every glance from whatever guy I was obsessing over. But, ever since FL (first love), I've had major issues. I think it's because I had it goooooood with FL. He went to college in a different state. We would still talk all the time, and cared the most for each other, BUT we dated other people here and there. It was unrealistic not to. So, I dated other guys but whenever FL came home, I spent every second with him. It might sound messed up, but he was my love and my soul mate, but these other guys kept me busy and my thirst quenched.

When I came home from college, I started dating the ex. Quickly, he was moved into my apartment, and next thing you know we bought a house. We had a good relationship unless I felt suffocated. And for awhile, I did. Because when I'd want to go out with friends, he would play sick and try to guilt me into not going. I caved for awhile, but then started to not care. I am super independent, live for doing what I want, and don't like the feeling of people holding me back, etc.

And now, with R, I am dealing with some of this shit again. He is very inquisitive, likes to know everything I do. He says he asks out of conversation, but I always feel like he's interrogating me or trying to check up on me. He was doing sooo well for awhile, not being so 'in my face' or whatever. Now, especially with him having a few days off this week, he's bored and 'in my face'. Tuesday night I went over my friend's to watch 'Juno' and hang out. I could tell he wanted to be invited, but I didn't think her husband was going to be home, and it was just gonna be 2 gals hanging out. I was right. Not a biggie there.

Then, Wednesday night we were all going out because one of my close friends left yesterday morning to move to California. Earlier that day, he wanted to do lunch. He ended up sleeping in but got up and raced here so we could still go. And then he kept asking me what was wrong and why I was acting wierd. I HATE THAT!!!! He's overly paranoid, even when I'm just quiet he thinks something is wrong!!! I told him that it was the middle of my workday and I was just in work mode...which was true! Nothing was wrong, until he kept fucking asking me what was wrong!!! Ugh! But, I calmed down and that night we all had a good time.

Then, we get to yesterday. "Do you want to hang out and chill later on?" he asks. "I don't know, I might do some stuff at home after work like pack a little more, maybe give myself a manicure, nap, etc." He sounded like he was about to bitch and whine, so I said, "But, I don't know, we'll see I guess." Then, he calls me right when I'm done with work. I think it was just to tell me something stupid. I went home and took a nap. When I finally woke up, I had a few texts and missed calls. A couple texts were from friends, with one asking "u doing anything tonight?" and then I saw I had a missed call from E. So, I call her, the both of them were stopping at a bar near my house to visit a friend that is in town this weekend. "Yeah, I might as well come by for a bit since I'm right down the road," I told them.

One of my missed calls were from R. So, I called him back. He was at his parents getting ready to eat and he asked if I wanted to switch my phone that night (I had to get another phone, there's something wrong with my new one, so he got another one to replace it...yada yada yada). I took it as, "he is looking for any excuse to come over, I'm going to see him tomorrow, can't it wait?" So, I said, "Can't we just do it tomorrow?" "Yeah, I guess so, I just thought maybe you'd want to get it done and we have to return the defected one asap..."
"Nah, we'll just do it tomorrow..." I said.
"Well, do you want me to come over for awhile anyways?"
"Ummm...well...do you maybe want to just meet me at the bar and have a beer?"
"Why? Who's going? I thought you didn't want to do anything tonight...I don't know..." (instantly in a crappier mood.)
"Yeah, but it's right down the road."
"I don't know, I'll just call you in a little bit, I'm gonna eat."

Soooo, I start getting ready to go. I was literally just about to walk out the door when my phone rings. It's him. "What are you doing?" he asks.
"Just about to leave my house."
"Where ya goin'?" sounding surprised.
"I told you! I'm going to the bar."
"But, I told you I'm coming over!"
"No you didn't!!! You said you didn't know what you were gonna do."
"I text you that I'm coming over."
"Oh, well I didn't get it or hear my phone."
"So, do you not want me to come over?"
"Well, you wanna just meet me there?"
"I have ice cream in the car I need to put in your freezer."
"Oh...okay..."
"I mean, I can just go home if you don't want me to come."
At this point, I get confused, thinking he wants to come over and just hang out and not go to the bar.
"Umm, well...what were you gonna do after you left your parents?"
"I guess just go home."
"Well, wait...you wanna come here, put ice cream in the freezer, and then go to the bar?"
"Yeah, just wait for me."
"Ohhh...okay."

But, I was still peeved because I'd wanted to drive by myself. He knew that if he came over and put ice cream in my freezer, then we'd ride together to the bar and I'd have to leave when he wanted to.
So, he gets there and is completely quiet. "What's wrong?" I ask. "Nothing."
"Okay, then can you quit being weird?"
"I'm not being wierd, you are. And you have been."
"No I have not! If I have, it's because you start it! See what I mean? Here we go..."
"You didn't even want me to come over..."
"AGHHH!!! I didn't know what I felt like doing...I knew I'd probably want to nap..."
"Well, I mean, I could've still come over..."

Yes, this is what I deal with regularly. I cringe at the thought of what's going to happen when I move into my own apartment and have to hear him say that. He's probably going to want to come over almost every night! That is just not me, and no matter how many times I tell him he doesn't understand and he feels insecure. THEN, tries to make me feel bad by saying shit like, "I just wanna hang out with you...geez...is that so bad?"

Not only all of that happened yesterday, but when he called me earlier that day I had to hear about how he gets really upset when I don't tell him stuff. Like the fact that I took my friend to get her car dropped off at the auto body shop the other day after work. And other things, too, I won't say anything about until 4 days later. Or, we'll be out with friends and I'll tell everybody at the same time. He would have liked to have known first, blah blah blah. "That's part of being in a relationship," he says. Which I understand, but I told him that he makes me feel like I have to report to him, and that's definitely not me.

Ugh. I am getting all worked up, so I'm gonna stop now. You get the gist anyways. Why must I be so seemingly emotionless? I blame my parents getting divorced when I was 5 and being the only child. lol. Thanks for listening. *sigh*
I need a cocktail.