Down in the Dumps

Ya know, I feel like the only times I end up writing here are the times when I'm feeling down and out, confused, distraught, and too caught up in my own head.


Usually the stuff that's been stuck in my head and causing me to feel this way, I write here because it's my only outlet that can actually be some sort of an outlet. I can only tell maybe 2 or 3 friends (that may or may not include my mom), if I can even tell them, because it's usually very secret stuff.


I wrote around 2 months ago about a great guy, D. Well, an opportunity (the one and only) came up for me to finally go and see him. I knew this opportunity was there when I wrote about this last time, too. But at the beginning of last week, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. R was going out of town from Thursday until Sunday morning. R doesn't ever go away, or...let's rephrase that; R doesn't ever go away WITH OUT me. And this would have been no different if it wasn't a bachelor party extravaganza. I was looking forward to it as soon as the groom-to-be came up with the idea. I mean, "Wow, I can do whatever I want for a couple days!!!!! Yahhh Hooo!!!"



So I stay over R's Wednesday night, get up and take him to the airport at about 4:30 AM. Went back to his place to sleep for a few more hours, then got up for work. I'd already made plans to head to the local bar that some of my friends are bound to go on Thursday nights. AND, my guy buddies from HS that I hang with were having a party on Friday! Good...good. Saturday I figured I'd kind of chill, probably go over one of my best girl friend's new house and hang since I had to pick R up around 9:00 on Sunday. Awesome.



Well, when I found out the guys were having a party, I sent a message to D saying he should come up (he's friends with them, too). He said he couldn't, if he'd known a little earlier he would have but he's got meetings all day and evening, is doing a lot of driving, and is having a small get-to-gether at his house that night. But, that I should come down there.

Yes, yes, I had thought of that. But, I'd decided against it. I'd feel really weird driving almost an hour to go see him...even though I knew it was kinda like 'now or never'. Buttttttt, I also wanted to go to the guys' party. R is cool with them, too, so I wouldn't have to make anything up about going, but I was also excited to get to hang with them like old times with out R clinging to my side.



Later, I talked to D online and told him I was disappointed he wasn't coming. Then, somehow, I convinced him to try to come up. He said he could ditch the get-together, and if he could get done with work at a decent time he'd make the drive. Of course, once he knew that he'd be able to stay over my place, that's when his demeanor about making it up here changed with the words, "Well shit, that changes everything."



Yes, it did. Why did I not even see it clearly?

Maybe I let emotions get in the way...like usual.



D didn't let me know what his decision was on Friday, and I'd made mine to go to the party. At 12:30 am I text him. Ughhhh!!! I know, I know!



After a series of texts and him trying to get me to come down the next night, I told him "we'll see". He said I could leave in plenty of time to get R at the airport after I told him that the plan was supposed to be to hang out tonight (Friday) because of having to make it to the airport. It was the first time either of us had mentioned R. I assume he knew through either mutual friends or...more likely my Facebook page. Anyways...



the decision was made that I'd drive down to see him...then and there.