The Decision Was Made

And so I left the party. Everything was clear in my head. I would call R when I was about home, talk to him for a few minutes and tell him I got home and was going to bed. When we got off the phone, I rushed around grabbing my essentials to take along. I text D and asked him what his address was. When I got in the car, I began to get myself situated. Was going to plug the address into R's GPS when I realized that I didn't know how to delete it later with out deleting all of the history. Not a good plan. So, instead I plugged it into my Google Maps on my BlackBerry. It doesn't tell you when to turn but it gives you step by step driving directions, so I was pretty good to go.

On my drive, one of my best girl friends, M (the one I had the plan to hang out with on Saturday at her new house), called. She's 1 out of 2 or 3 of my friends that I'd actually tell what I was doing. She didn't even know if D had decided to come up or not. She asked if I had company. I said, "No," with an add of mischief. She of course noticed my tone and asked what I was doing. I told her I was actually on my way down to see D, and that I'd call her tomorrow (both of us were laughing).

When I was about 20 minutes away, D text me and made sure I was still on my way and everything was going good. I called when I was close, turned out I'd went on a road with a name very similar to his, but wasn't the road at which he lived. Finally, when I was on his road, he could see my headlights and told me where to turn into his driveway. He was waiting out on the porch. I knew I was nervous, but luckily I wasn't shaking like I'd thought I'd be. I ran up the stairs and he escorted me instantly upstairs. His roommate had a few people over, and I was reluctant for them to see me. I mean, "Who is that girl showing up at all hours of the night?"

We went upstairs and had wine and talked. Talked and laughed. I was happy.

I couldn't believe I was finally there. We were in each other's presence! After awhile, we got tired and were laying together being cuddly. Which was nice. Then, his light grazing of my skin got the best of me and I couldn't handle myself or refrain.

When I woke up in the morning, he still wanted to sleep. That's something that's not changed, he's always wanted to stay in bed longer than me. We played little games with each other for an hour or so...just poking each other in our faces, kind of cute stuff. I would have loved to have stayed there until later in the afternoon, but I felt weird about it. I needed to get back into my turf...my area, where I wouldn't have to lie. My phone was on silent, and I dreaded even looking at it and refused to until I left. I didn't want to ruin this...whatever this was...by seeing my phone and then worrying.

I can't tell if he'd really wanted me to stay or not. But, I told him he needed to get up so we could hang out a tiny bit and I could see his dog before I had to go. He asked me what I was doing that day, which made it seem like maybe he wasn't expecting me to leave so soon. I told him I had plans to hang out with my mom. Then, I asked him what he was going to do. He said mow the grass, etc. "Well," I thought, "he's got stuff he has to get done anyways..."

We went downstairs where I met his dog and his roommate. I played with his golden retriever for a little while, and then decided it was time to go. When I got in the car and drove off, I still wouldn't look at my phone. Once I was on the highway, I looked. Three texts and a missed call. This wouldn't be too hard to explain; I have a habit of waking up pretty early, sitting up for about an hour and then falling back asleep for a few hours. I called R back and told him I was on my way over my mom's. He said he'd call me later after golf (him being preoccupied with golf was another plus). I went home and died on my couch...I really was going to go to my mom's, but I got really tired again all of a sudden.

I'd called M and talked briefly about my excursion. I figured we'd talk more when I went over her house later. She said we might go to this arts festival, which would have been awesome any other time except now. I totally didn't feel like having to get fixed up to go out somewhere. Luckily, later she texted me and said she didn't have any motivation to go out, did I? I said nope, and felt much better. Finally, I got over to her place at about 8:00 where she had made pasta for us and I brought over wine. We had a really fun girl night chatting, drinking, and dancing. I told her some stuff about D...and I'd felt really normal about all of it.

Then, a few days later, I feel like I'm in some sort of slump. It's not because of what I did. I know it was very wrong, and if it had been anyone else I'd feel terrible or I wouldn't have even gone there. But D is special.

But now, when I sign into chat online...he says nothing. For the last few months, anytime I'd be online and he'd come on, he would instantly say "hi" and we'd chat for a few minutes. Now I get nothing? I don't know if it's because he feels weird and doesn't want to add fuel to the fire? Or, if it's because he really does still have feelings for me, but feels like he shouldn't do anything for various reasons? Or, if it's because he got all he needed?

I don't know how to describe my emotions; or what emotions I want him to have...