Get Out of my Head

Normally, I'm the kind of girl that isn't sappy and doesn't really like to talk about lovey-dovey stuff. FL is the only guy that didn't apply to.

Saturday was St. Patty's Day celebration. My friends and I had been looking forward to it. It started off with 4 of us, and grew as the day went on. One of the first few to join us included FL. It was nice. But, later, we were all at a bar and of course, being drunk, FL and I bring up the past again. He'd asked me when R and I were going to get married. I freaked, because his brother L had asked me the same thing earlier that day! WTF. I know their family is all about the American Dream and getting married, etc., but I explained to FL that I wasn't like that and R knows that. And I went on to explain to FL that I've never thought about marriage...that I always thought in the back of my head that if I were to ever get married, it would be to him. Wow. It sounded like such a great thing to say at the time, but now, looking back...I'm freaking crazy! He understood, but gosh...I'm embarrassed.

I need to get it through my head that my life is NOT LIKE IN THE MOVIES. Well, okay, sometimes it really is...but in this case...it's not going to be like the cliche movies where the true love comes at the last minute to whisk you off your feet. So, I've got to quit acting like that's how it is.

Later, after hours more of drinking (St. Patty's is at least a 12 hour drink fest), we talked some more. I'm not sure exactly what we said, I know it was said that we miss each other. We hugged and it was bittersweet. Nice to be hugging him again, but heartbreaking at the same time. I wish that I could still have him in my life as a friend, but I know that it's too hard because every time I see him, I get upset. I thought it would get easier, but I guess it's not ever going to.

He told me he and his fiance will be moving to Portland, probably within the year. I've ironically been wanting to go there for quite some time, and actually did look into moving there for a very short time. In a way, I can't wait until he moves. When he's home my life is a mess. E was trying to comfort me Saturday and was really mad that he knowingly messes with my head. I know he doesn't intentionally hurt me, but...I don't know...it's like he eggs me on or something. Gahhh!!!